My favourite way of spending a Sunday evening would always be this.
Sitting out in a quiet corner, enjoying the evening breeze, watching the birds chirp and the squirrels run around, and finding bliss in the sunset. The mind is purely in the play mode, no rewind, no fast forward, and I’m compelled to breathe in the beauty of each moment.
The anxiety about the future forgotten, I’m just finding solace in the present.
Trust nature to help us ease out and rediscover ourselves amidst all the chaos, atleast for a little while every now and then.
I often find it difficult to do this. No matter how hard I try, I end up worrying about what might happen in the future and forget to enjoy my present.
I’d often be in one of these 3 situations –
1. I love where I’m, but would want it to last forever – so I’d go out of my way to ensure it lasts.
2. I like where I’m, but I want to secure myself in a better position because I don’t know how long I’ll like where I’m.
3. I hate where I’m and I want to change it as soon as I can.
Inference : I’ll be fretting around and about all the time, about one thing or the other, no matter where I am or what I do. In the process, I never get to enjoy wherever I am or whatever I am doing.
A more important inference : The more I run around for options, the more I’m discontented with myself and the options I get. While it’s good to have a plan in place and have everything secure and organised, it’s not necessary for things to always be that way.
It’s not necessary to always plan it all. It’s sometimes good to take things as they come – I’ll atleast will have an element of surprise to look up to. Plus, I’ll end up saving so much time for myself, not fretting and worrying about what might happen.
I sometimes totally envy people who are laid back and relaxed, I so yearn to learn to be like them, but in vain.
But for now, atleast, I’ve decided to take one step at a time, and let just that one step occupy my mind – not the whole path.
Of late, I’ve been rambling. A lot. And “a lot” is a bit of an underestimation. Right since childhood I’ve had this habit of over-analyzing everything I do. I mentally make a note of everything I say or do, then replay the same thing in my mind one hundred times at least, and draw about a thousand different conclusions from each of them. That’s how I normally screw things up for me. I just can’t take things easy. I’m known to complicate even the simplest of situations to the worst extent possible – like blow it up to the power of infinity. My mind wouldn’t relax if it didn’t have a problem to think of – that’s the kind of drama queen I am. I just don’t know to rest in peace. Or live in peace. And of late, it’s all been getting worse. I’ve begun to freak out at everything that happens to happen to me – at everything I say, see or do. I’ve begun to imagine hopeless situations in my mind about things that are least likely to happen and I’ve begun draw contingency plans for them. What’s more pathetic is, I, almost everyday, call the 10 people (apart from my family) on my speed dial list, to get their opinions about my situation, not because I believe their opinions are going to change the situation, but because I believe it’ll help change what I think about it. That’s how senile I have become. That’s how dependent I’ve become.
Time to decide enough is enough. Realization has to hit me sometime, right?
I can’t keep moping and mumbling around all the time. I can’t go on being a pile on. I can’t go on letting each effing thing affect me like hell. I can’t let all the trash in the world occupy my mind and take control over it. I can’t keep bothering people with my so-called sad stories though they are my family and friends. I honestly believe they have no obligation to do it because they are family/friends – at some point of time they’d definitely be bored sick, but be polite to not say it loud and let me down. I just can’t cry buckets each day and look like a pitiful moth. No. I. Just. Can’t.
It’s time I grow up. I know it’s going to be real hard in the beginning, to mend my ways, to transform into that whole new leaf I want to, but hey, I’ve to do it someday, right? I’ve to realize that even by Mr. Newton’s law, my every action is bound to have a reaction – and there is nothing I can do about it. If it helps, maybe I could change the way I react to situations, but that’s the most. I can’t all the time be worried about everything that may/may not happen, I can’t keep grumbling about what has happened either – because nothing’s ever going to change it.
I’ve learn to be someone whom I’d look up to. I’d have to be able to handle myself better, and probably lend an ear to another as well.
And that’d be possible if I learn to cross the bridge when I get to it. And if some bug bites me into hallucinating about it before, I’ll have to sod it. Sounds like a plan, no?
What’s the point in wondering what’s coming to be,
What’s bound to happen, will happen as I see,
I’ll not worry my head off and work myself into a fit,
I’ll cross the bridge when I get to it.
P.S. This is part of my Pen The Picture project. Hope you like reading what I write.
This is probably the umpteenth time I’m writing about this, yet, I still don’t seem to have a dearth of words or emotions. Everytime a girl steps out of the house, and does not return before the sun sets, the parents begin to fear. The elders in the house begin to panic. Specially when she is out alone. Pandemonium strikes when she stays out late, post the 8 p.m. limit. She, then is always asked to be accompanied by her father/brother/male friend in order to be safe. Why? Because, may be, in our society, a man only respects another ‘man’s’ feelings? Or because, you always need physical power and muscles to fend yourself – which only the men have? My question is, why at all the need to fend? Why can’t every woman in the world go out, do her thing any time she wishes to, without having to check the time, without worry lines masking her forehead, without having to book a cab/private vehicle each time she gets late, taking the public transport for her commute? She should be able to walk scot free at any hour, herself. There shouldn’t be a need for a guardian – there shouldn’t be a need for her to guard herself.
True independence is achieved when fear vanishes from the heart and the mind, and makes way for a worry-free life. When the mind blocks are removed and when there’s no reason for agony. When there’s equality, and when there’s peace. When thoughts become reformed, and when actions become sensible. When the root of all fear/pain/agony/worry is removed. When all the pretence is removed.
Until then, I’ll keep writing, I’ll keep hoping.