My Sunshine, My Rain đź’–

The last thing anyone needs in life is negativity. In any form. 

What’s meant to be, will be and there’s no stopping it. But let’s not complicate it more. 

There’s already too much void around, in life. There’s no more space for vaccum.

So here’s to weeding out

Weeding out people, and thoughts, that ain’t anything else but only to pass your time with. 

And here’s to blocking all the vaccum and void with people who you really matter to, and who, matter to you. 

Because, the rest don’t really fit in.

So here’s my mid year resolution. 

Staying away. 

From people, to whom I ain’t bringing a ray of sunlight. From people who only lend me shadows and dark clouds – sans the rain. From instability. From disrespect. From resentment, regret and repentance.

And here’s to my bunch of happy people. For, you are my sunshine, you are my rain. Because it sometimes takes a storm, a rollercoaster ride or a tender flight to realize what people truly are.

Oh, and the number of contacts on your WhatsApp chat or the friends on your Facebook account really don’t matter. ‘Cause you already know who you are to people and they know what they mean to you.
Cheers!đź’–

P.S. Let them know they mean the world to you, if they don’t already know. It’s important they know.
P.P.S. Choose wisely. ✨

Let Go.

My favourite post as on date. I insist you actually read it to know why.
A hint here, maybe.
Live to the fullest extent your heart wants to. Don’t cling on to something that’ll make you nothing but sad. Bury it deep, never to be recovered. Do yourself a favour, and love yourself for what you are.

Until a few days back, I was this douche bag, that was living with the memories of the past. Horrible, cringe-worthy memory. My mind was this “Pensieve” which kept storing only hard hitting, belittling, embarrassing memories. And each moment, each day, I would hash out atleast one from it and begin to feel guilty. Each memory had something to do with a mistake I had committed. I was living a life of regret, and resentment was probably the only emotion that I felt all day. All the good things, good memories were wiped away from time to time, under the weight of the negativity surrounding me, within me. I hated myself for my existence. I hated my appearance, my very being. I thought I was all bad, the rotten apple of the dozen. I didn’t seem to find any good in me at all, and if at all I did, I found it easier to overlook it than let it bring positivity into me. I hated every bit of me I knew. I was supremely under confident. And at the end of each day, when I recollected the day’s activities, I would end up finding one thread which I would spin into a yarn big enough to begin to feel guilty about. I would blame myself for everything that went wrong. I would think every other person in the world, other than I, was a much better human than me. My reaction to each situation would be based on my memories of the past. (Mind you, though my mistakes weren’t huge, according to me they were inexcusable. But I had the habit of exaggerating my each small mistake to something extremely big, that I would end up writhing in shame, everytime.) It would have been a random, meaningless conversation, but I would end up drawing a hundred different conclusions from it. I would replay each and every moment of the day and think of a hundred different reasons to why I shouldn’t have said/done what I had, and would go back  to feeling guilty all over again. I was exhausting to live with. I would lose my temper at the drop of a hat, and panic for something as normal as the rain. Although I had learned from my mistakes, I wasn’t ready to accept the fact that’s it’s all okay.

But this is exactly what resentment does to you, right?

I wasn’t ready to let go. I wasn’t ready to forgive myself. I wasn’t ready to give myself a chance. I wasn’t ready to love myself. 

Then, realisation hit me. In a way I didn’t expect it to. And I want to share it with people who are letting themselves wither away because of the regret of the past.

It doesn’t matter what you were in the past. Each human is imperfect and has a shit-load of regrets. To err is human. Every one commits mistakes. To learn from them and to not commit them again is the only lesson out of it. The mistakes don’t decide who you are, or your character. How you come out of it decides who you are. Love yourself for what you are. You are unique and there’s no one like you, and won’t ever be. So love yourself completely. With the flaws in you. The flaws make you beautiful. The flaws make you who you are. The flaws make you one in a million. The flaws give you your identity. So, appreciate yourself for who you are.

Forgive yourself. Flush out all the regret, the resentment. Let it all go. Because if they stay, they’ll only drain you of everything positive in and around you. You won’t allow yourself to live fully if you are going to remain the stupid douche bag. Don’t stop yourself from doing what you want to. Don’t be too hard on yourself. See things for what they are, not what you expect them to be. You’re going to be missing on the happiness of the present if the you’re going to let the past make you cringe for your existence. Seize each moment, and live in your present. Don’t just be a product of your past, evolve each day. See the world in a whole new light each living moment.

P.S. There will always be people to put you down, bring down your confidence. There will be people to judge you no matter what you do. Shut your ears to them, you can’t fend yourself from each one out there. There’s no need to. Just go out and do your thing. Give yourself real happiness, and a lot of it.

Nostalgia!

I had a Periya Patti (My grand mother’s elder sister) named Visalam.  She used to frequently visit us at our place and stay with us for quite a while right since I was a kid.

When I was a kid, I used to love listening to stories, so every time she visited us, I used to bug her to tell me stories until she got tired. And she used to patiently oblige me every single time. She also used to make some yummy sweets at her place and save a portion for me, to give them to me when she visited us. She loved talking and loved to listen to me babble, even more.

As I grew older, my time with her became extremely restricted – not that she had stopped visiting or someone had prevented us from talking, but my interests had changed. I wanted to stay with people of my age, wanted to interact with people who were cool, who taught me new, tacky, cool stuff. I began to spend more time with gadgets, than with the people around. Though I was extremely polite, well behaved and courteous, I did not continue to share the same rapport with her that I used to. Every time she visited, she looked forward to meeting me, and I would politely meet her, greet her, help her with what she wanted and then I would go back to doing what I was doing. The bonding though, was lost. From my end. Because I thought she was uncool to hang with. Because, I became busy bonding with people who I thought were cool enough.

As years passed, she grew old and her trips began to reduce. She couldn’t travel the way she used to. I grew up as well, old enough to choose the importance of real warmth, understanding and affection over peer-swag, “cool company” and the put-up love. And I eagerly looked for her to visit us again. And the next time she did, she bought few coffee flavored toffees with her. And gave them to me with so much love that I couldn’t even think of refusing them, though I hated everything coffee. So I took them from her, opened one and popped it into my mouth right in front of her. And beamed at her. And told her that I loved the toffee and thanked her profusely for bringing them for me. She just smiled in response and pulled me into an everlasting hug. The moment was priceless. She then made me sit down next to her, and told me to simply talk to her. I was moved. So, I began to tell her the happenings of the day and all that had happened in the past years. She listened keenly, to the most minute boring details and kept appreciating, consoling, cheering me as was appropriate. Not once did she frown. Not once did she lose her patience. I remember the number of times I had frowned and had lost patience  – when it was actually my inability to bridge the generation gap, when it was my inability to extend my hand to help her at her ripe old age and match my pace with hers, when it was my fault that I didn’t take time out to sit with her, spend time with her, listen to her share her experience, take in her words of wisdom. But. Not once did she complain. Not once. She just loved having me by her side, and kept me close to her, calling my name fondly every now and then.

A year later when she visited us, probably one of her last visits to our place ever, she bought me a huge packet of the same coffee toffees from the money she had saved and the moment she saw me coming, with trembling hands, she took the packet from her bag and thrust it into my hands. She told me “Last time I gave these to you, you loved them. I thought you would still like them. Last time I had bought you only very few. So this time, see, I have got you a huge packet.” and she smiled a huge, innocent, “full-of-warmth” smile. I was beyond moved. Somewhere in this big rat race that I have been running, I was lost in the fake warmth, put-on smiles and the cool-dude attitudes. In a world where people think before they reach out to help their own parents, here was a lady who just wanted to see me happy, without wanting anything in return. Here was a lady who just wanted my time, my love and warmth, who loved me for just exactly what I was – without any expectations.

It’s been over 2 years since she passed away. I didn’t realize her value when I was young, when she was agile, when she had time. But now, when she is no more, I miss her. I miss her warmth. I miss her presence. And yesterday when I was craving for chocolates, and spotted a packet of the same old coffee toffees that she used to give me, I grabbed it right away and went back home reminiscing the old flavor, the old memories, recalling my time with my Visala Patti.

That is why, perhaps, you always, always have to love, support and spend quality time with your family. With your friends, with people whom you call your own. You don’t have to have a huge circle or a big list of Facebook friends/Twitter followers. Even a small circle of people who love you for who you are, simply because they are happy to be part of your life, will do. So tell people you love them, when you can. Make them feel special. Make them feel they are important to you. Time flies. There’s no point regretting when people are no more. Make them feel good when they are alive, with you, in flesh and blood. Seize every moment. Make every moment a beautiful memory to cherish. Make your every moment a blessed nostalgia.

Choices..

As I reminisce my childhood, I am reminded of all my likes and my favourites, most of which I resent now. I am reminded of my choices. At school, I was in awe of a senior, who was everything I was not. She was tall, beautiful, intelligent and extremely talented. I looked up to her and admired her so much that I went around telling my friends that she was my sister. Some hero worshipping thing I did, back then. Which I totally, totally resent now. I wanted to look beautiful, have my nails painted, wanted a stylish cut for my hair, wanted clothes similar to what my friends wore, in my wardrobe. Hailing from a very, very strict and conservative family, I was obviously denied all of this. So, I used to look up to people who were all that I was not, who could do all that I couldn’t. I wanted to be one of them, do what they did, look the way they looked and carry myself the way they did. I wanted the attention they got.

But now when I look back, I laugh at my own then foolish self. I laugh at my choices. What used to hold my attention back then, doesn’t even matter an inkling to me now. Those choices don’t seem to hold any value to me anymore. I realised I wasn’t really happy doing whatever I thought was amazing back then. I realised I wanted something else from life. I realised I wanted to be someone else, do something else altogether different. I realised I no longer liked the people I so admired. I realised times change, and people change with it too. Priorities change and perspectives change too. I realised what I truly value and what I don’t.

I don’t know what I want from life, yet. But I quite know what I don’t want, and what I won’t value. That’s half the problem solved, right?