Hiccuping my way through to the heights I wish to scale, I’m on tenterhooks,
I wonder with every single untrodden step if
I should stop, If I should just let it all be,
I wonder about the million open ended questions I’d have no answer to, if I fail,
Trepidation clouts my brain bringing my faltering steps to a standstill, squirming the guts out of my fragile heart, pushing me back into my shell, undiscovered, unharmed.
But as I walk back, I only see
Epiphanies tranquilizing the pitfalls I’d been through,
The bright blue sky masquerading the clouds that trespassed my way, thrusting upon me the elixir I was seeking,
Propelling me to seize each moment, every last one of them,
Making me brazen enough to take the plunge,
Helping me realise if I don’t, for me, no one else will.
Quit policing me –
For everything that you want me to be,
And for all that I’m not.
Stop judging me –
By only what you choose to see,
There’s so much more to my profound insanity.
Don’t stereotype me –
You’d never find a replica of my identity,
And I can never fit into your boundaries, real or imaginary.
I zone out. A lot. More often now, than I’ve before.
And, I’m just 24.
Age is really just a number,
Or so I choose to believe every time I catch myself going into too deep a slumber;
But my brain’s always been restless and I honestly have never been able to figure out why,
You’d ask me to push myself to focus – trust me, I try, Oh, I do try,
But it relentlessly zones out into dreams –
Of places I’ve never been to,
Of a cloudless blue sky,
In pursuit of the sunshine I’ve always had my eyes on,
And the rules I’ve never been able to defy,
In search of the stars I seek the light of,
In search of the wings that’d help me fly.
This isn’t new.
This unwelcome transition, this seemingly life-altering change,
The animosity it surreptitiously brings with it, the incompetence, the perceptible aloofness,
The clichéd feeling of being at crossroads, unsure of what’s lying in wait,
Unsettling, yet incomprehensibly demanding,
Bringing my universe to a standstill, again,
Until my infinitesimally bloated insecurity breaks into a million unrecognisable fragments,
Challenging me to find my calling,
Pushing me to build my very own happy space.
I sometimes think I need a veil – a veil that is morphed to look exactly like my face,
And lemme tell you why –
I wouldn’t want to show you every tiny miniscule of the hundred thousand thoughts a scatterbrain thinks,
Or every flicker of emotion that reverberates through my soul,
I wouldn’t want you to read my mind watching the expressions that freeze on every tiny muscle in my face,
I wouldn’t want you to sense my inner turmoil, my thirst, my heartbreaks, my disappointments,
I wouldn’t want you to see my unshed tears, my annoyance, my anger, my vulnerability –
I wouldn’t want you to know, that I yearn for a mask – to masquerade my way into this show of reality.
You’d want to encase me, keep me wrapped within the familiar warm walls you’ve built for us,
But for now, lemme begin by stepping out of your secure frontiers,
Unshielded, unprotected, inexperienced and wild,
Lemme begin by tracing the path I want to travel in,
Finding my own spark, searching for the fire within,
Being all that I’d ever desire –
Burnt, beautiful and blithesome,
Lilting away to the tunes of my own anthem.
I can’t keep myself from asking you the questions gnawing my mind everytime something decides to refute my sanity, my soul,
I can’t quell the chaos inside my head everytime you silence my voice, everytime you overlook my thoughts,
I can’t breathe without giving you a fabricated, word for word explanation for my every action, for my every reaction, for very disintegrated existence,
I can’t take everything you throw my way, lying down,
I can’t stay mute every time you make my decisions for me.
If this makes me a rebel, then,
I. Am. One.