Until a few days back, I was this douche bag, that was living with the memories of the past. Horrible, cringe-worthy memory. My mind was this “Pensieve” which kept storing only hard hitting, belittling, embarrassing memories. And each moment, each day, I would hash out atleast one from it and begin to feel guilty. Each memory had something to do with a mistake I had committed. I was living a life of regret, and resentment was probably the only emotion that I felt all day. All the good things, good memories were wiped away from time to time, under the weight of the negativity surrounding me, within me. I hated myself for my existence. I hated my appearance, my very being. I thought I was all bad, the rotten apple of the dozen. I didn’t seem to find any good in me at all, and if at all I did, I found it easier to overlook it than let it bring positivity into me. I hated every bit of me I knew. I was supremely under confident. And at the end of each day, when I recollected the day’s activities, I would end up finding one thread which I would spin into a yarn big enough to begin to feel guilty about. I would blame myself for everything that went wrong. I would think every other person in the world, other than I, was a much better human than me. My reaction to each situation would be based on my memories of the past. (Mind you, though my mistakes weren’t huge, according to me they were inexcusable. But I had the habit of exaggerating my each small mistake to something extremely big, that I would end up writhing in shame, everytime.) It would have been a random, meaningless conversation, but I would end up drawing a hundred different conclusions from it. I would replay each and every moment of the day and think of a hundred different reasons to why I shouldn’t have said/done what I had, and would go back to feeling guilty all over again. I was exhausting to live with. I would lose my temper at the drop of a hat, and panic for something as normal as the rain. Although I had learned from my mistakes, I wasn’t ready to accept the fact that’s it’s all okay.
But this is exactly what resentment does to you, right?
I wasn’t ready to let go. I wasn’t ready to forgive myself. I wasn’t ready to give myself a chance. I wasn’t ready to love myself.
Then, realisation hit me. In a way I didn’t expect it to. And I want to share it with people who are letting themselves wither away because of the regret of the past.
It doesn’t matter what you were in the past. Each human is imperfect and has a shit-load of regrets. To err is human. Every one commits mistakes. To learn from them and to not commit them again is the only lesson out of it. The mistakes don’t decide who you are, or your character. How you come out of it decides who you are. Love yourself for what you are. You are unique and there’s no one like you, and won’t ever be. So love yourself completely. With the flaws in you. The flaws make you beautiful. The flaws make you who you are. The flaws make you one in a million. The flaws give you your identity. So, appreciate yourself for who you are.
Forgive yourself. Flush out all the regret, the resentment. Let it all go. Because if they stay, they’ll only drain you of everything positive in and around you. You won’t allow yourself to live fully if you are going to remain the stupid douche bag. Don’t stop yourself from doing what you want to. Don’t be too hard on yourself. See things for what they are, not what you expect them to be. You’re going to be missing on the happiness of the present if the you’re going to let the past make you cringe for your existence. Seize each moment, and live in your present. Don’t just be a product of your past, evolve each day. See the world in a whole new light each living moment.
P.S. There will always be people to put you down, bring down your confidence. There will be people to judge you no matter what you do. Shut your ears to them, you can’t fend yourself from each one out there. There’s no need to. Just go out and do your thing. Give yourself real happiness, and a lot of it.