For Fear And Insecurity

When I was in my final year, before we had our placements on in our college, my parents had suggested I take up the IELTS and GRE, because I was almost sure I would end up not getting placed in any of the companies that were to visit our campus. If that be the case with the on-campus placements for me, it was scary to even imagine the off-campus placements. I had this uneasy feeling that I wouldn’t land up with a job by the time I finished my graduation. So I thought taking up the GRE/IELTS was the best option at hand then. I went for the IELTS first and got back home with a pretty decent score. But before I could start with my prep for GRE, I had my placements at college and so I began working hard for it. Now, to be honest, I’m not this brilliant student who manages to crack every nut. Never have been. Surprisingly, I got myself a job in the very first company that visited our campus – in spite of my nerves and being a dimwit. Now, I had 2 options in front of me, either I could go for the job or pursue my masters. That got me thinking for the first time. I immediately looked up the cost of education overseas, and calculated all the expenses that I could incur during my stay there. And man! Wasn’t that a huge number?! Plus, another worry now weighed itself over my mind – what if I don’t successfully finish whatever course I opt to, and what if after finishing the course I don’t land up with a job? The very thought got me insecure. Gave me fear. And made me rethink my options.

I had decided then, that very moment, 2 things. 

1. I would take the job first, at any cost. Give myself the independence, the stability I had been aching for. 

2. If at all, at some point in time in life, I plan to pursue my masters it would be out of my own money.

Two years into my first job now, and there have been numerous times when I would feel I should rethink the 2 decisions, times when I would see/hear about my friends, cousins, seniors, juniors and the like flying abroad to pursue their dreams, their masters. Times when I would feel a tad bit jealous of their sense of security, courage and confidence. Times when I would feel I was severely missing out on something wonderful and important. But soon enough, I’d snap out of my reverie and find myself facing questions, the very same ones that had bothered me during my final year at college. And I continue to do my job, which, although not my dream job, helps me have a decent livelihood and a life I could live on my terms. 

So, will I ever will to risk it all and take the plunge? An open ended question, for which even I’d like an answer. 

Not that there’s anything that’s sure in life – uncertainty is life’s most honest facet. But a bird in hand is better than two in the bush, right?

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Author: Annapurani Vaidyanathan

I hoard books for a living. And read them too, when I am not sleeping. I express what I think, so my unheard feelings don't sink. I like to sing when I walk, to keep shades grey, at bay. I speak like a dork, but I don't want to drive anyone away. I write what's real, and nothing fake, so visit my blog whenever you need a break ;)

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